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From my book:
The Silent Epidemic of Attachment Disorder
Forward: The Day Einstein Feared
Chapter 1: Death and Taxes
Featured Topics: *My First Podcast
Neurofeedback Works!
How to Hire a Therapist
Adult Attachment Disorder, AAI Interview
Find an Attachment-based Psychotherapist
Developmental Trauma
Grief Recovery Handbook & Method
Healing with Body Work…and more…
Latest Blogs: My Book on Music & Healing
*Healing Tools EMDR Tapping
Parenting as We Were Parented
Allan Schore: What is the “Self”?
Stephen Porges: Polyvagal Theory, Pts 1-3
“General Theory” : How Mammal Brains Work
Bruce Perry: How Your Brain Works 101
We highly recommend:
From Kathy
Kathy
That’s me on my book cover at left in third grade, with a bad case of attachment disorder, and me at right in 2008, when it still hurt so bad I look dazed. I didn’t know attachment disorder even existed until 2010–when it finally brought me to my knees. This is my story of recovery and hope. I’ll share the milestones on my journey, and the people, research, and programs that have saved my life.
A little Brain science
Is this a problem with your brain? It was with mine, but Whu Nu? (He was first Prime Minister of Burma, I used to joke.) I laugh now, but parts of my brain were literally dark, and it hurt. These are brain scans of young children the same age: Left: Child raised by their own “good enough” parents.
Right: Child raised in an orphanage: Attachment Disorder.
Please Note: I’m against false use of the terms “attachment disorder” or “attachment therapy” to excuse abuse, as exposed here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_therapy. But it’s also a problem that the psychiatric Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) only recognizes Radical Attachment Disorder (RAD), which only affects a tiny percent of the population. I believe other legitimate forms of attachment disorder affect 50% of Americans. I wasn’t RAD, so the DSM didn’t recognize my illness, and I got no treatment until I collapsed after age 50. That can’t be right. “Attachment problems extending beyond RAD, are a real and appropriate concern for professionals,” concludes the 2006 Report on Attachment Therapy by the American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children (APSAC) which convened to study this problem.
Key update: Neurofeedback Works – Van der Kolk. Trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk, MD posted a webinar in 2016 that changes the whole map on healing infant and childhood trauma. Sebern Fisher, he announced, “showed me drawings that traumatized kids did, how they developed after 20 weeks of neurofeedback. I was blown away,” he says. “Nothing I know of can do that.”
See The Girl Behind The Door: A Father’s Journey Into the Mysteries of Attachment, by the adoptive father of Casey, a Polish orphan with severe Attachment Disorder. Brace for heart break as you scroll down to a video of baby Casey in the orphanage. This is what the physical pain of attachment failure looks like. So if we have severe emotional pain as teens or adults, we can stop condemning ourselves, stop stuffing it, and go seek healing. Reality is, we human organisms are easily damaged before age three.
In the wake of his son Matthew’s 2013 suicide, Pastor Rick Warren, head of Saddleback Church, said in a statement: “America’s mental health system is irreparably broken.” The system, he said, “failed Matthew with misdiagnosis and wrong treatments his entire life….” Click here for more…
Brain scan source: Perry, BD and Pollard, D., “Altered brain development following global neglect in early childhood,” Society For Neuroscience: Proceedings from Annual Meeting, New Orleans, 1997 at https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/earlybrain.pdf See also Footnote 5 here: Silent Epidemic of Attachment Disorder
Comments are encouraged (please scroll to very bottom for comment box) but with the usual exceptions. Rants, politics, off-color talk, etc. don’t post. Current software limits length to 1030 characters (2 long paragraphs).
News blogs expand on my book Don’t Try This Alone: The Silent Epidemic of Attachment Disorder. Watch as my journey of recovery teaches me the hard way about Adult Attachment Disorder, Developmental Trauma, Attachment Theory, and the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI).
Copyright © 2018 by Kathy Brous. All right reserved. No portion of this website, except for brief reviews and live links to this website, may be copied or used in any form or manner whatsoever. All use must show prominent and clear attribution to Kathy Brous at https://attachmentdisorderhealing.com.
Medical Disclaimer: This website is for general information purposes only. It is simply my own research. Individuals should always see their health care provider or licensed psychotherapist before doing anything which they believe to be suggested or indicated herein. Any application of the material on this website is at the reader’s discretion and is the reader’s sole responsibility.
Thank you for your words of wisdom.
You used a picture in What Inner Child?
Posted on October 18, 2013 by Kathy
#12 in my ongoing book blogs from “Don’t Try This at Home”.
I too wish to use it in a book regarding recovery from shame and trauma. I cannot find the artist to ask permission. I’m sorry to post this request here, but I have been unable to find a way to contact you directly. I love the imagery of the pipe around the girls neck. Thank you for your dedication to this under-addressed condition. I counseled adolescents and later adults who experienced attachment disorders. Recovery is possible, but so difficult at times, especially if left on treated or misdiagnosed.
We may be cousins — on/off over the years I’ve had an interest to know more about my genealogical past — driven largely because of my father’s resistance to reveal any of his past — I may have met your mother first and only time in late 1990s
I found this website and your discussion while doing some research — ordered your book from Amazon — subject is intriguing — might be interesting to compare notes particularly if there is a family connection — nature vs nurture vs epigenetics influence
I see you have quite a following — I sense a strong passion — I have several unanswered questions to which you may be able to provide insight if indeed there is a connection
Hello Kathy,
I just found your site and am about to purchase your book.
I probably won’t sleep much tonight and read instead. Want to thank you from the depth of my being for everything you have done and are doing to bring attention to this “silent epidemic”.
I was taken away from my mother at ten days old and put into an institution run by nuns for my entire first year. By age 5 I had been in four different placements, when my emotionally absent … and herself severely traumatized… grandmother got custody of me, until I turned 18 and “ran away” from home with the first man who would have me.
I only discovered trauma informed therapy last year at age 55.
Can’t wait to start reading your book!
Sincerely,
~ Nicoletta
Hey Kathy, You are fabulous, we spent over 3 hours on your site this morning. My wife wants to open a business in the Corona Del Mar/ Newport Beach area; wondering if you are available for lunch? She’s going through trauma issues that resurfaced from her past and I feel contact with someone of your stature would put her on the right track. She too is a wonderful woman, got her degree from Columbia University all by herself and even ran a SLP clinic in Saudi Arabia. Sadly her field is getting commodified, so she’s trying to create a space on Social Pragmatics: kidstalkcenter.com -Thank you.
Thank you, John, very kind, but I’m not meeting new folks these days due to COVID. Please ask her to comment here on one of my posts that resonates with her heart, so she and I can begin to dialogue and share. Please forgive delayed reply but I’ve hardly touched this website since end 2018, just getting back to it now.
Hi
Do you have an email where you can be reached? Have something to ask you about neurofeedback. Thanks
Kathy, I’ve got 25% of the book left to read. Thank you for being so willing to share yourself and your process with us. This book is phenomenal. I can see myself in so many of your scenarios. Love that you use the Grief Recovery Handbook, and love the sections where you shared your lists at different times throughout your book. Your shares have helped me see my life in a new light. I have many of the same lists that you do. Those lists are very insightful for anyone who is healing their attachment trauma. It has been extraordinarily helpful. Also like how you weave music throughout your life. I’m going to listen to some of this music to see whether it will help me with my recovery. Peter and the Wolf was always a childhood favorite. Emily
Hello and thank you, I just ordered your book from Amazon and I am looking forward to reading and hearing your story more in depth. I am hoping that this is one of the steps i take towards my own healing process. Thank you for your efforts and sharing your story and being an inspiration to others. Tay
Wow, I just discovered your website. Look forward to exploring.
I see you haven’t posted for a while-hope you’re doing OK!
Kathy, Thank You for your story, all these helpful explanatory references, and I hope your healing journey continues to go well. Best Regards, Bob Olcott
I desperately need to know if anyone has ever heard of someone who has NEVER been high or drunk because their tolerance was so high, they are unable to feel anything? Is it possible that being emotionally detached could be a reason why? I’m reaching out for help
[In: “Allan Schore: What is the ‘Self’?” (Home page) 6/7/19]
Thank you so much for this… I am a 69 year old Brit, in my second year of trauma therapy… now I get it… as my therapist said “this will take a while…” Thanks again, and keep up the singing… 🙂
[In: “Healing Tools for Trauma” (Resources tab) 5/18/19]
In reply to Kathy I. — There are several neurofeedback practitioners in San Diego: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/neurofeedback/ca/san-diego?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&utm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_Specialty_FTherapist Good luck! Jennifer
[In: “See Me on Mary Giuliani LIVE!” (Home page) 4/10/19]
Hi Kathy, I just found your website this morning and have been reading all day from it, as well, listened to your interview with Mary. Thank-you so much for telling your story publicly and curating all these resources. It’s really helping me feel hopeful. I have been crippled (54 years old) from early developmental trauma (raised by narcissistic parents). I have been able to do some good work with a therapist that is probably why I am alive. However part of the impact for me is being ‘under-employed’ (even though I have graduate level training in my field) so finances are a struggle and as you say, good therapy costs! I have had to cut back/out the 1:1 work and it’s been hard to keep perspective, not fall into self-defeating habits, etc. Anyway I just wanted to say how incredibly encouraging it has been to hear your story. Thank you so much for being so open and generous and sharing what you learned so others can derive hope.
Lisa, I’m in the same boat.
It helps to hear I’m not the only one who is underachieving in spite of education and best efforts. (I figure it’s unconscious stuff that needs healing).
I sincerely hope you find the ‘key’ to achieving all you are capable of and earning a good wage.
[In: “Find Attachment-based Therapist”(Resources tab) 3/28/19]
Thanks for sharing this list of therapists and psychotherapists to the readers. It will be of great help!
[In: “Find Attachment-based Therapist”(Resources tab) 3/20/19]
Oh great! All the contact details and address of the top therapists in one page. Thanks for sharing!
[In: “How Your Brain Works 101” (Blogs tab)] 3/10/19]
I am 59 years old and just realizing the extent of my childhood trauma and how it continues to affect me today. What is a good resource for an older adult? Thank you.
[In: “Vincent Felitti: Origins of Addiction” (Blogs tab) 3/9/19]
Dr Felitti should be given a Nobel Prize now. We will never know how many lives this man has saved but I am one.
[In: “Developmental Trauma” (Blogs tab) 2/19/19]
Hello, I stumbled across this article while looking up trauma-based information. I’ve re-read it I don’t even know how many times. It covered things that makes me question myself as having DTD. I’ve been in therapy and using EMDR to help me cope with day-to-day life. My current therapist is amazing but I’m always looking for new ideas especially from people with the experience that I found in this article. Please advise, thank you.
[In: “Healing Tools for Trauma” (Resources tab) 1/20/19]
People complain about therapies, therapists, family, etc. But in our search for healing, we find countless ways to distract, get out of tough spots, find problems with others, and so on. Healing is not unlike quitting smoking for good. Somehow, at some point, by whatever means, we flip a switch and smoking is no longer an option. If someone could bottle that special sauce that flips the switch and keeps it flipped, they would be trillionaires. Similarly with therapy, when we have flipped that switch, it’s almost secondary if the therapist is mediocre, or has flaws. Because we are driving the car and they are offering support and direction. But we are taking risks, stepping out of our comfort zone, doing the daily exercises, journaling, checking in with the body. But the reality is that most people are window shopping. It needs to be a total lifestyle change and commitment. No easy or simple fixes.
Thank you for your powerful, provocative and thoughtful retelling of your healing journey. This resonates deeply with me and my work in somatic bodywork therapy. The energetics of bonding and attachment have been central to my work with Chinese Medicine, and HeartMind Shiatsu, a form of Asian Bodywork Therapy that treats the whole person. In simple terms, bonding is a function of the Yin, receptive aspect of our being. A healthy balance of Yin and Yang brings about a healthy expression of balance between bonding and independence. The balance of Yin and Yang is central in maintaining health and well being. What’s exciting, is that Yin and Yang energies express in and through our bodies, and compassionate healing touch can deeply heal the imbalances and suffering you describe so eloquently in your healing journey. In Chinese medical terms, we would call “Attachment Disorder” a Yin Deficiency, where bonding is lacking. Sadly this is an all too common disorder in our culture!
I am in such admiration for you Kathy, your tenacity and willingness are amazing. I’ve just finished the kindle version of your book and because I got it for free, amazon won’t let me leave a review there so I wanted to leave one here. I laughed and I cried but most of all your story left me feeling hopeful. Thanks for writing it and getting the message out there that trauma is much more prevalent then people think and that’s it’s responsible for so many chronic health issues!
Thank you for your wonderful contribution to the silent killer in our society which is growing I believe. I have been trudging for 35 years initially no idea that the origins were an attachment disorder. Surveying three generations of addictions, stone deafness and more I now totally agree. It is generational. Appreciating you and your life work.
Hi Kathy, thanks for your site, i’m 42 and have struggled all my life to create healthy appropriate relationships and failed – having started therapy a couple of weeks ago (fourth try) it was suggested some sort of attachment disorder might be at play, and everything i’m reading is extraordinarily familiar to my life story… thank you again, all the best, i will keep reading
Hi Kathy, I just read your book and left you a 5-star review. It is so well-written and edited, as well as providing such valuable insight and info. My one question for you that I’m curious how you got off the drugs that you started with Dan. I know how hard that can be and wondered how that impacted your journey. My story has so many similarities and I have self-diagnosed awhile ago with complex grief and chronic PTSD. I’ve had so many traumas in my life, including the mother nightmare, and try everything (healthy) to help myself. During this last decade things were like a tidal wave and I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t distract with anything/anyone that would add to life’s difficulties. I kept that promise and have progressed in some areas, but in others, not so much or at all. Severe cognitive dissonance compounds the problem. I have to get on with my income generation, but struggle to care. So many things in your book are identical to my path. Thanks for writing it.
Could I send some article ideas for a guest post on your website? If you like my ideas, I can provide a high-quality free article.
Hi, I emailed you asking for 3 sample paragraphs for your blogs via email. Then we can see if our websites are a good match! 🙂
Hi Kathy, sorry to intrude on your response but I have a question that I’m so desperately seeking answers for… but have you ever come across someone who is so emotionally detached that they have never been able to get high or drunk because it just does not make them feel anything? So much so that not even narcotics or even simple medicine for a cold helps? The only two things left is talking (which he claims doesn’t help) or drugs like for mental disorders but they have no effect, I’m reaching out for help, please help us
Hi, Kathy. Going on four years ago you pointed me in the right direction for my recovery at a very critical time in my life. Now seeing that your book is out I find myself reviewing my progress since that time and find I have grown more in this short period than in the previous five decades. I found a partner in recovery whose ACE score is like mine and we began our work together. I will always be grateful for kind and timely advice and wish you all the best. Thank you so much. Bless you and your work, Scott
Kathy, I look forward to reading “Don’t try this Alone” !
Hi Kathy, after reading as much as I could on your site, I find myself anxiously excited. I too, was thrown into this journey involuntarily by more severe traumas, 3 yrs ago. I was misdiagnosed by prior therapists with just depression (including a seasoned psychiatrist who ended up retraumatizing me). Desperate for answers, I stumbled upon info on attachment disorders and lo and behold I saw all of my symptoms listed. I presented this discovery to my psychiatrist and he ignored it. That’s when I searched for a therapist specializing in attachment issues. Through her, I have since learned that it’s really all trauma based. I also do EMDR which although helpful, is painstakingly slow (emphasis on the “pain”). Lately I’ve been losing hope that I would ever be happy again and wasn’t sure how much longer I could do this work. My whole life has been chock full of trauma, so I realize it will take longer, but now, knowing there’s a happy ending, I have new hope. Thanks…
Kathy, I cannot even begin to tell you how anxiously excited I am at the moment. In an attempt to find some helpful information for someone else, I stumbled upon your articles (and subsequently your books). I am currently in year three of my journey and I have been losing hope that this pain would ever end. Like you, I was “thrown” into this journey by more traumas. And these were traumas that refused to be pushed aside (as I have done for the first 51 years of my life). I haven’t even finished reading your articles and I’m going to be buying your books today. If you were in front of me, I think I would give you the biggest hug you have ever received. Just to know that healing is possible, that there is an “end” to this crippling pain that very few could begin to understand, is a gift unto itself. Thank you for your bravery and the courage to share it.
I’ve been on quite a journey trying to heal from narcissistic/abusive parents. Are you aware of Pete Walker’s book: CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving? In my long journey, it has helped me most. I mention it to help others, not affiliated with it. I look forward to reading your books. Also check out Richard Grannon on youtube. I made big breakthroughs when I realized my intense feelings of dispair were flashbacks of my childhood. As soon as I realized that, it was enough to instantly calm me down and help to self regulate again. Very helpful. I just recently learned about attachment disorder and am watching the look away experiments on youtube where parents break eye contact with their kids, and instantly the child goes into distress and becomes very anxious, until the parent returns attention to the child. No freakin wonder our nervous systems are stuck in fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode. Our worlds were terrifying for so long.
Yes, no wonder our systems are stuck! Now we must deeply internalize it’s not our fault; it hit us as tiny infants. If we really feel it’s not our fault, we can weep and wail about it to a “safe person” like a therapist or any mammal who’ll listen and not judge us! If we do all that grieving, actually scientifically necessary, that heals us. Remember Robin Williams? “It’s not your fault”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYa6gbDcx18
Sure, forgive my delay, I’ll email you too.
By a “grief partner”, do you mean your therapist or a friend?
Using the Grief Handbook, usually it’s a friend or very friendly relative, or even a colleague who’s also got grief they need to feel through. See http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/featured-topics/grief-recovery/ Good therapists are expensive; better to let them lead you where they feel you need to go.
I’m sorry Kathy, but this link don’t work: http://acestudy.org/faqs
Sorry for my delay, here’s the ACE Survey: https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/
I am curious about the photos that show black spots in the brain. If you can recover after these spots have formed, does that mean the black spots somehow heal?
Yes, dark spots are where healthy tissue never developed. By attaching to therapists or others who don’t judge us, we grow new tissue to fill the gaps; our brains light up in the dark spots!
My book will take ’til end of this year. I’m delighted by the huge response to my site but it takes time, as does daily healing and getting a Life!🙂 Good news: much of my “bottom line” is here: 1. Short version of how I healed, especially my podcast: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/about/how-to/#comment-536 . 2. This other post shows, personally, I needed a lot of grief work first to be able to feel. Then body work was very successful: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/featured-topics/healing-body-work/
I read some of your stuff and thought wow. I have an awesome therapist who knows attachment working with me. We check in every day via text outside of session; I can text him as much as I need. Sometimes when we check in, I want to push him away and punch him (not really, I would never do that). It’s like come here, go away from me. Did you experience a lot of checking in too with your therapist and did you feel like this too?
I’d get enraged at my therapist for “being unclear,” same thing as pushing him away. He taught me to get as furious at him as I felt like, since we must have the experience of having a bad feeling with another human being, to stop having it! He was “safe” for my emotions; that heals them.
Dear Kathy, hello everybody, I wanted to give you a little update: Today I had my third trauma therapy session, I am very lucky to have found a very empathetic and kind woman trauma therapist, who is specialized in SE and Focusing and has experience with attachment trauma. Also today I had my fifth Neurofeedback session and I have to say, that my panic attacks decreased and there is more reactivity when a bad feeling appears. I started painting to soothe my soul and I started playing guitar again (I quit after the man, who has triggered my trauma 3,5 months ago, said that the songs I play are terrible, those were sad love songs….). I redecorated and painted my kitchen to override the bad memories I had in there (the man insulted me there very badly…). Also I have applied for cost participation at my health insurance for a clinical trauma treatment and wait now for the answer. The trauma specialized hospital has already given its okay to my treatment there. I hope it’ll work out, could need it…Big hugs,…
I stumbled over your website and I am close to tears reading your story and all the great resources you provide. I (female, 38) just, after an ugly encounter with a man, found out that I also have this disorder. I was close to giving up on my life and still struggle hugely because I’m quite alone and see no light at the end of the tunnel. Your website brought back hope. Please publish your book. Thank you so much for everything. Yours, Ruth (from Germany)
Please trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Please try to find a good attachment-based therapist. Here are links, put in your German post code: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/attachment-therapists-directory/ Also study Healing Tools: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/tools/
& somatic healing: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/featured-topics/healing-body-work/
Here is a great song about the light in the tunnel…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7V5t9ECZXo
Thank you so much.The whole day I read on your website, listened twice to your podcast and just devour every piece of your experience and knowledge. It’s so soothing especially because it’s difficult to share the suffering of having an attachment disorder/trauma. I’m looking so forward to your publications, especially your book… The most bitter aspect for me is the hopelessness of having my own family, will it take years to recover more or less from the trauma. This breaks my heart. There is such an amount of sadness, loneliness, emptiness and hopelessness, that I cannot believe that I can be happy one day… Life always seemed empty inside me, I never feel connected to anything I did and experienced, as if there was a hole in my soul, an emptiness of utter darkness. Any advice?
We need professional help. Please carefully study these links and let me know if you find any in Germany: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/attachment-therapists-directory/ Until we find a good therapist, we must abstain from romance. Because we had so much abuse while our brains were developing, before we are healed, we only find more abusive relationships, then they abuse us more. So we get only sicker. After healing, we attract good people: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/featured-topics/dating/ Also check my links to local support groups. You can find Al Anon near you, they’re global. Then you can sit once a week or more with other humans who understand trauma: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/find-a-support-group/
Now it is later and I found a clinic, and talked to a MD who said that body orientated therapies are overrated, SE is overrated and not helpful. He opted for EMDR and Brainspotting only. I asked if these are applicable on a developmental trauma, because I couldn’t remember any early experiences. He said: ‘Well, not remembering could also mean nothing happened.’ Sometimes I think taking my own life is the only exit….
I also felt like dying, but then I realized: it’s the “experts” who are wrong. So why should I harm myself? You went to him for compassion, but instead he made you feel rejected. He’s wrong – not you! We need a therapist who is 1. compassionate and 2. knowledgeable of attachment disorder/developmental trauma (AD/DTD). Him, no. Call the next one. See “How to Hire a Therapist” http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/z-under-construction/ AD/DTD is NOT well known, although VERY widespread. Most “experts” didn’t study it in school so their egos say it must not exist. EMDR can work for AD/DTD (see my blog on EMDR and early trauma), but only if the therapist is compassionate and knowledgeable of early trauma. Please try links on Neurofeedback providers, it’s successful with AD/DTD: EEG Spectrum: http://www.esiaffiliatesforum.com/providers & EEG Info:http://directory.eeginfo.com/ Be sure to give everyone the compassion test in “How to Hire a Therapist” Also listen to Sebern Fisher’s Rob Kall podcast and Shrinkrap Radio here: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/neurofeedback/
You are absolutely right, I need help… I’m arranging to go the trauma hospital next week. I don’t REALLY want to die, I want to live and be happy. But these trauma feelings – desertion, unloved, hopelessness – are so insufferable, I want to get them away no matter what.They are so bad sometimes, I think only of ending these feelings. I never met anybodywho experienced similar feelings. Most think I am sick or narcissistic. This adds up to the already felt loneliness. But after my breakdown this morning, I forced myself to visit a neurofeedback practitioner (she knows Bessel van der Kolk personally). Next tuesday my therapy begins. I have a session every day until I go to the trauma hospital. Also I organized meetings with kind trauma therapist who uses somatic experiencing and focusing (Eugene Gendlin). I made a busy schedule until the hospital, so I don’t have bad thoughts so much. Did you also experience the bad feelings I wrote about?
Bessel van der Kolk & Eugene Gendlin, the best! I’m so glad you found compassionate ladies who know trauma. Please be nice to my friend Ruth! Suicide is silly–it’s a permanent answer to a temporary problem. If you feel like self harm, or almost that bad, even on weekends you can find a local Al Anon or Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting, or a meeting to stop smoking. Go immediately to be with other people who understand trauma. Go today. These groups meet 7 days in every country. You can find one today. “Go to 90 meetings in 90 days” to form new brain paths that we’re not alone. Of course I experienced your same feelings. Millions, maybe a billion people all over the world, experience the same feelings. Please “normalize” it, know that your feelings are normal, with the life experience we had. I think at least 10% of human beings have these feelings! People in OECD countries are consumed with money and achieving at work etc, so they must “look good” and are afraid to mention bad feelings. But in cultures with shamans like Native Americans, or parts of Africa, India & Indonesia, people see native healers to cry out strong feelings, to be fully heard and feel safe with another human. They know to do this to release the feelings. Feelings must be felt to be released or they freeze and make us sick.
I’m still taking my neurofeedback sessions twice a week and probably will for awhile, but I’m already noticing a lower level of muscle tension which I believe is quite a good thing, and like your sources have indicated that tension could very well be that a lower level of cortisol is being demanded by a more relaxed amygdala. This gets me to wondering why to my knowledge a test for my current level of serum cortisol was never requested by my shrink (he did request a blood panel at one point, but he never said anything about cortisol). It seems like the only reason an MD ever tests for this is to see if there’s a sign of Addison’s disease (too low) or Cushing’s syndrome (too high). Now maybe by itself it wouldn’t indicate much of anything about one’s mental state but in the presence of another indicator (like maybe a high score on the alexithymia test) it could indicate a need to, say, at least evaluate that patient’s EEG rhythms. What do you think the therapy community would say about this?
I would like the book, Don’t try… Can I order it from you? Barnes and Noble did not have it listed.
My book will take til next year. I’m delighted by the huge response to my website but it takes so much of my time. Also I had several unexpected surgeries. Good news is, much of my “bottom line” is already here on my site. *For how I healed and most of my story, please see my reply to Vidar here: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/about/how-to/#comment-536
Hi, Kathy. I’ve read your site off and on for over a year now. I’ve had an addiction since I was 4 years old or so. I’m 34 now. I gave up the addiction last year. I’ve been doing Somatic Experiencing since May and it has helped immensely. But now I have a Neurofeedback session next Friday. I’m excited and scared too. I literally live dissociated. Always have. Just didn’t know it. I have three children and one on the way, yet I’m terrified of my children. I pray that these sessions help with the dissociation and fear centers in my brain while the somatic experiencing helps discharge the bodily trauma. God bless you, Kathy
Hi Kathy. I’ve known your blog for quite some time. I’m still just so confused…I don’t have a specific event which caused all hell for me. But I do know that I respond so violently anxious whenever I come across anything that speaks of a developmental impairment to create a human bond. I don’t know if it’s my mind that freaks out and makes it up or if it’s actually something deep down that resonates. Either way…I don’t know where to start looking. Talk therapy gets the surface level but I still feel this enormous anxiety that makes me feel like a fish out of the ocean unable to cope when I come across things like your EMDR blog… Would EMDR be a good place to start? It’s just so overwhelming I don’t know where to start!
I had that deep anxiety for years, still have some. I feel bad because yes, my EMDR blog could trigger folks like you and me just survival fear, processing trauma and flashbacks. The pressure to do something when we don’t know what to do is awful. I’m sorry. I am so NOT a therapist. All I can do is tell my story: for me, too, I had no specific traumatic events–but when I first read of stress chemicals in the womb, infant developmental trauma and trouble with bonding, my body went into terror. My worst trauma began when the sperm hit the egg until I was 4 ‘cos I was locked up alone all that time. I had no words or thoughts before age 3. So when my thinking brain came on line later, it couldn’t remember any specific events. Finally I discovered what happened by reading about infant trauma and noticing my fear and anxiety resonating, like you. That does not prove you are like me, but it’s possible. Only an attachment and infant trauma expert can verify. Plus I added neurofeedback, not EMDR, ‘cos neurofeedback calms the deepest infant brain oscillations where words don’t go. I listened to Sebern Fisher interviews on neurofeedback and it just felt right. If we have those two pros to help us see what we suffered, we feel validated and cared for and we learn to bond. That’s how I healed.
Thanks so much for the response. It just seems like you really tackled your healing. I’m having a hard time knowing where to look. I do feel like it’s hard for me to make bonds. Totally get you’re not a therapist so thanks for responding. I was just wondering how you went about trying to find the right attachment-based therapist with that type of knowledge. I’m in NYC which I’m guessing could be a good thing. My other question is…did you find In your experience that it had something to do with your relationship to yourself? That you had a dysfunctional relationship with yourself, I mean.
Your feeling of not knowing where to start, and not knowing what to do could very well be a flashback from your early childhood. (Feeling helpless) Sorry you feel that way. I’ve been there many times. Realizing that it’s an un-felt flashback helps me to manage it and instantly come out of it sometimes. Read From Suviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. This is great website.
How frequent are you neurofeedback sessions? Have you heard anything about LENS neurofeedback? Thanks again for keeping your ears open & bringing us things like this webinar.
We start twice/week, in a few months go to once/week. I’ve not heard of LENS. A practitioner with 5-10 years in neurofeedback + a cert from EEGSpectrum.com or EEGInfo.com + familiarity with attachment issues is a good place to start.
Thank you! Has anyone gone thru Early life trauma EMDR clearing as a client and what was their experience?
Yes, here’s a client blog “How EMDR Helped My Early Trauma” http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/emdr-early-trauma/
BUT: psychiatrist and trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk, MD, posted a webinar on neurofeedback 8-9-16 which changes the map. He’s promoted EMDR, yoga & body work for decades. Now folks with early trauma can study neurofeedback too, before choosing. Van der Kolk says Sebern Fisher introduced him to neurofeedback. “She showed me drawings that traumatized kids did of their families (stick figures), then how they developed after 20 weeks of neurofeedback (real people), after 40 weeks (an attached group), and I was blown away,” he says. “There’s nothing I know that can do that, I thought. When you see something like that, you pay attention. Can my psychoanalysis do that? Can my acceptance and commitment therapy do that? Can my friends who do EMDR or Somatic Experiencing do that? No. Nothing I know of can do THAT. Time to learn new things.”
Thank you for all the amazing work you have done. Do you know anyone doing early life trauma clearing by Katie O’Shea and Sandra Paulsen? I am very interested. Can’t wait for your book, too.
Sure! First check my EMDR overview, then “early life”: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/what-is-emdr/
Infant trauma EMDR: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/emdr-sandra-paulsen-developmental-trauma/
Thank you for the link to the Daniel Siegel self-study lecture about the Adult Attachment Interview. It took me three days to get through it due to interruptions, but it went fast. Uplifting guy. Also, i just want to say, your website is amazing, so much stuff here and so well organized considering how much stuff. I wish you the best on the book, really look forward to reading it.
Thank you so much for your blog. I look forward to your book. Only recently I discovered Bessel van der Kolk and now, thanks to you, I’ve discovered a lot more about what happened as a child, in my last 50 years, and what to do. My parents locked me in the drawer when I cried as a baby (they told me so when I was a teen). My repetitive dreams of being buried alive when I was a young child explained! My teen years were full of abuse. From my 13th to my 50th, with a break of 17 years from 29-46, I’ve been on heroin, alcohol and amphetamines. In my 17 years white-knuckle “clean,” I became psychotic a number of times (naturally) without meds. Now, I have a good therapist who disagrees with the DSM and lets me direct my therapy. I have a strong mindfulness practise, an aikido class, a great job and am clean for a year; this time I’m making actual progress. Talking won’t help; my body absorbed the trauma. It’s a long tunnel, I’m at the wrong end, but now I feel there’s light.
Dear Pete, God bless your courage, please stay with healing!
I can only tell you how I healed:
1. I got educated about attachment: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/adult-attachment-interview-aai-mary-main/
Also Dr. Allan Schore’s 9-28-14 speech “The Most Important Years… the right brain and its importance,” on neuroscience of in utero and neonatal attachment (meat starts minute 8) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW-S4cyEFCc
2. I found a good attachment-based therapist I can meet eye to eye weekly and I’m so glad you did! **What was damaged by a human attachment connection can only be healed by a new human attachment connection.** For others reading this: my therapist locator page is: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/attachment-therapists-directory/
3. With my therapist, I did a ton of body work healing, aka “Somatic Experiencing,” founded by Dr. Peter A. Levine. I used his book “Healing Trauma” – http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/featured-topics/healing-body-work/
If you’ve got a good therapist and want more healing–not instead of mammals but in addition– we can now add Neurofeedback: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/neurofeedback/
See also: Healing Tools for Trauma: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/tools/
Resources: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/
Kathy has put together quite a body of information. In all my years of research, study, practices and experiencing of various trauma healing modalities, THIS IS THE BEST I have found so far. Dive deep, consider your self fortunate, and many well wishes towards your own healing journey, WITH a wonderful supportive aid and resource here on Kathy’s site. Keep going Kathy, thanks for sharing. Let’s do all we can to help her birth her book! Go!
Thanks, Red! Please folks, if you don’t have one: find a good attachment-based therapist you can meet eye to eye weekly. My locator page: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/attachment-therapists-directory/
Check Dr. Allan Schore’s 9-28-14 speech “The Most Important Years… the right brain and its importance,” on neuroscience of in utero and neonatal attachment (real meat at minute 8) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW-S4cyEFCc
Not instead of therapy but in addition, see Neurofeedback: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/neurofeedback/
See also How I Healed with Body Work: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/featured-topics/healing-body-work/
So glad you’re healing.The point of therapy is: we MUST get attached to the therapist! It’s the only way they can get deep enough inside us to heal.See “General Theory of Love” p.170-2 and 196-7: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/mammal-love/
That’s why I was so upset at the therapist who “fired” you. Of course, if we go crazy and call them night and day, then they might need us to back off. But if you went to your paid sessions and called twice a week for brief talks, fine!
I assume you researched this current one enough so that you planned to trust this current one. Ask them now: can I trust you with my deepest heart places to really attach to you? If you don’t like the answer or if you can’t trust them with your deep heart to attach to them, quit now and find another one whom you can trust. Share these quotes and ask them if they’re going to do this: quotes on attaching to therapists from ‘General Theory’ author Thomas Lewis, MD: http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/1503539.Thomas_Lewis
See also my blog on this! http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/z-under-construction/
Hi Kathy, I am just wondering if you could share some of your wisdom with me? With the help of a new therapist I have managed to heal from the trauma of my first therapist who actually sent me away. Now I am becoming attached to the new therapist. I don’t know if I should run or stay with it and try to work through it. The longer I stay the more attached I become. Any ideas?
i’m 64. I suffer from extreme attachment trauma. After a life time of looking, I finally found a therapist 4 years ago who understands attachment trauma and is helping me. but it’s slow, hard work. I’ve never been able to find anyone else who is in this deep kind of therapy and for attachment issues. Do you know of any online site where people like me can compare notes, as it were?
On almost all my pages are comments from folks like you and me, and my answers with lots of links for ways to heal and find a therapist. Please see comments on Developmental Trauma blog http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/developmental-trauma/ especially the last comment by Cat Sprattoday and my answer which points out that Neurofeedback and EMDR can now heal our emotions: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/developmental-trauma/#comment-436
Also see my Find an Attachment-based Therapist page http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/attachment-therapists-directory/ and Healing with Body Work: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/featured-topics/healing-body-work/
I don’t have a message board ‘cos I can’t release readers’ emails. Try ACEsConnection.com, private Facebook for child trauma. They have groups for people to share their experiences: http://www.acesconnection.com/blog/two-new-groups-one-onsite-one-offsite-to-talk-about-our-own-aces
Thank you for all of your work. In my research as a Certified TRE® Practitioner (Trauma Releasing Exercises – the work of David Berceli PhD ) I came across your website. I wonder if you are aware of this work? It changed my life so significantly that I trained with Dr Berceli and now teach TRE® in my practice as Therapeutic Exercise/Wellness Coach. The more I teach it, the more excited I get regarding the results that I see. Mostly, I am interested if you are aware of this work. It is simple, yet profound. It basically resets the nervous system back into Parasympathetic function, releasing the fascia and deeply held tension patterns, as well as those dis-eases of chronic ‘fight or flight’ function. I would love to hear from you. Respectfully, Sandra Larsen MsT, Certified TRE® Practitioner
Dear Sandra, I began doing Dr. Peter A. Levine’s trauma re-set exercises, as in the “polar bear” video, in March 2012, and it changed my entire body and life. This March I also began Dr. Berceli’s TRE®, and I love it. Here’s what I did earlier: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/featured-topics/healing-body-work/ Here’s my more recent “Healing Tools” which mentions TRE® but at bottom since I’ve not had enough experience to blog on it:http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/tools/ Please write a Guest Blog on TRE® for my site!
Any news on when your book might be published? I’m really interested in getting a copy. I appreciate the work you’re doing. I recently started working through attachment issues with my therapist and the process is making my head spin.
So far your website has had the most scientific-based information and I am very excited about what you have to say. I’ll keep watching your blog and Facebook posts. I hope this year brings you more health, strength and peace.
Dear A, My book will take til next year. I have 70% written (25% on my Book tab) but I’ve been tied up with the strong response to my website. I also just had four surgeries. The ACE Study says child trauma causes adult onset disease and it did: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/the-greatest-study-never-told/
More chapters of my book here: Grief Recovery: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/featured-topics/grief-recovery/
–Featured Topics : http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/featured-topics/
–Resources: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/
–Healing Tools: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/tools/
Kathy, I know you’re probably busy, but I wondering if you could point me in a direction of how to start some kind of detachment disorder/Adverse childhood experience group to talk about this stuff with others. I don’t think there is one in my area in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. I am enjoying reading your “Don’t try this at home” book. I couldn’t cry at my parents funerals either and was glad when they were over so I could get out of there. Thank you, Troy
Hi Troy, Sorry for delay, I just found your comment. Please check my Resources tab at top of my website, then click on Find a Support Group. Maybe see if there’s a local meeting of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) which covers all varieties of abuse and neglect, including emotional abuse and neglect. If none yet ASCA helps us start a meeting: http://www.ascasupport.org/meetings.php. Or go to a local Al Anon and when it’s your turn to speak, briefly say “I had abusive parents and I’m looking for someone who wants to be my Grief Partner to work on healing these deep emotional wounds.” Keep going and repeat it at a few meetings, someone might get the message… On Grief Partner see Featured Topics tab, and under that Grief Recovery Handbook.
Dear Kathy, I just stumbled across your blog (by way of Stephen Porges, one of my heroes) – brilliant, and if it’s ok with you, I want to put links to it in mine at some stage. I’ve only just started – have a look, but be patient, because I’m struggling with all sorts of technical issues at the moment – but I want to point people in the direction of interesting things, and your blog certainly is interesting, and VERY comprehensive! Thanks – you’re an inspiration! –Zoe
Dear Zoe, I think your blog is terrific, please go ahead and link to all my material you’d like. I strongly suggest the index of my blog page by topic at http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/blogs/
And also my Resources (how to heal) page at http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/
Please keep posting on here to let us all know how you are doing? Hugs, Kathy
I’m in Alberta, Canada and writing my personal story. Central to my story is the issue of attachment disorder. I am very interested in the possibility of your book being published and have been looking for it in the book store. I spoke with my bookshoppe this morning and we had a lengthy chat regarding the possibility of you coming to speak to us or arranging an online conference with you and other related speakers presenting their perspective on attachment disorder and dissociation. Thank you so much. –Donna
Hi Mike– YES honestly it does happen — and please take encouragement paradoxically, from being exactly where you are. You describe below exactly what it feels like when we’re about to make a huge breakthrough into a brand new emotional place we’ve never been before — which will feel SO MUCH better you will never believe you used to feel as you do today. I’ve been through exactly this, and this is what my fantastic fourth therapist (finally found a good one) said to me when I was where you’re at. Take heart the way an athlete does — but take HEART emotionally, not bull through physically/intellectually/macho. Now’s the time for emotional courage. Since you’ve got this far, you have it in you.
Thanks, Kathy. I’ll keep on with my therapy. It’s so crazy hard right now. I’m paralyzed emotionally. I can hardly work. It really feels like I’m stuck this way. Like the trauma and the false self I created are just too huge and then the life I created from that false self in terms of work and relationships jjust made it all worse and I can’t go back, so it feels like I’ve got nothing and I’m totally starting over. Does healing, real transformation, really happen?
Glad you have good therapists. Non-traditional can be the way to go; I used “Healing Trauma” by Dr. Peter A. Levine. Check him out; he’s got the “body work” part that’s crucial. Levine’s student Lawrence Heller has a book called “Healing Developmental Trauma.”
I read your book page and found it very helpful. Where I am temporarily stuck is I really get how development trauma has affected me, but I’m not able to let it all go just yet. I am in therapy with a gentleman here in Portland, Maine using non-traditional techniques to make changes to neuronal networks. I’m also working with a man in London via Skype. Thank you for telling your story and for any additional guidance you can provide.
Please see my reply to Pam above for Find a Therapist page.
You mention your blog with information on how to find a really good trauma therapist and the other resources needed to heal. Where can I find this information? Thank you.
Hello ive been searching everywhere for help with attatchment disorder,I adopted my daught when she was 3yrs, she is now 36, she has struggled all her life .she suffered every kind of abuse as a child , she had 17 foster parents before the age of 3ys.her life has been a catalogue of disasters, abusive relationships resulting in dreadful life experiences, playing out the same senarios again and again.she deserves so much better but I feel so helpless.
I have been in that pain of attachment disorder as an unwanted pregnancy and adoption can be more difficult. It’s no one’s fault but babies need to attach after birth to the body they were developed inside of. Please also know: there IS HEALING! The day CAN come when your daughter and you feel GREAT! But it will take feeling through a lot of pain first, and a lot of courage. Healing exists, and it’s powerful. Please check my book: http://www.AttachmentDisorderHealing.com/book/
But my book is called “Don’t Try This at Home” because:
1. We DO need a really good trauma therapist.
2. We do need a really good trauma support group.
3. We need to study and meditate and develop our minds.
We really can not do it ourselves. Please see if she will use my book and the footnotes as a start. Then see my Find a Therapist page and my Find a Support Group page.
I’m interested in buying your book. Is it not out yet? When will it be available? Thank you and Happy Holidays.
The discussion on the cortisol system is fascinating and has major implications for children in previous generations whose parents were told they’d spoil children by picking them up and holding them when they cried. I was even told that and ignored it!