A New Book

“DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME”  Contents
1. Preface, Pt I: The Silent Epidemic, July 18, 2013
2. Preface, Pt II: This Is Gonna Hurt, July 26, 2013
3. Forward, Pt I: The Day That Einstein Feared, August 2, 2013
4. Forward, Pt II: Hole in My Heart, August 9, 2013
5. Chapter 1, Pt I: Death and Taxes, August 16, 2013
6. Chapter 1, Pt II: Plowing Emotions Under, August 23
7. Chapter 1, Pt III: Surgeon General’s Warning, Femhc, September 6
8. Chapter 1, Pt IV: Enter the Dragon, Femhc, September 20
9. Chapter 2, Pt I: No Tears for Dad, Femhc, September 27
10.Chapter 2, Pt II: Tin Can Shot Full of Holes, Femhc, October 4
11.Chapter 2, Pt III: I Oughtta Have My Head, October 11
12.Chapter 2, Pt IV: What Inner Child?, October 18
13.Chapter 2, Pt V: Down the Rabbit Hole, October 25
14.Chapter 2, Pt VI: Isolation Row, November 1
15.Chapter 3, Pt I: Thanksgiving in Cambodia, November 22
16.Chapter 3, Pt II: Excommunication Blues, December 6
17.Chapter 3, Pt III: Mommy Doesn’t Like Me, December 13
18. Last Book blog:  Chapter 3, Pt IV: Survival Instinct, December 13


Comments are encouraged with the usual exceptions; rants, political speeches, off-color language, etc. are unlikely to post.  Starting 8-22-16, software will limit comments to 1030 characters (2 long paragraphs) a while, until we get new software to take longer comments again.

CHAPTER SUMMARIES
1. Preface, Pt I: The Silent Epidemic, July 18, 2013
How I accidentally regressed myself back to infancy and healed it all
Are parts of your brain dark?  Silly, you say. Well, did you ever have a broken heart?  Closer to home?  Hey, I had such a successful global career that I didn’t know it for decades, but parts of my brain were dark, and my heart was ‘way far broken.  So goes Attachment Disorder…  Read More…

2. Preface, Pt II: This Is Gonna Hurt, July 26, 2013
“Don’t Try This At Home” takes you along on my journey to the center of the brain, tripping down what felt like my old New York City apartment building’s incinerator shoot, blind and alone, after the first professionals I saw called the wrong shots.  Read More…

3. Forward, Pt I: The Day That Einstein Feared, August 2, 2013
OK, 50% of Americans have some degree of Attachment Disorder.  How can there be so little information on it available to parents, pediatricians, people who care for children?  In the wake of his son Matthew’s suicide, Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church said in a July 26 statement: “America’s mental health system is irreparably broken.”  Read More…

4. Forward, Pt II: Hole in My Heart, August 9, 2013
The Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) can accurately diagnose Attachment Disorder quickly. Why isn’t our system set up to send us at least for one AAI check when we “feel lousy” for years?  Why haven’t more than a small minority of therapists even heard of the AAI?  Read More…

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50 responses to “A New Book

  1. Hi Kathy – I can so connect with so many of the underlying issues you have confronted and survived with a combination of gifts that sparkle so clearly from your blogs. These are innately YOUR gifts – amazing the good things we can gain from the rubble of our lives if we are able & willing to pan for that gold. While my situation was different, the emotions, inner turmoil and confusion about what on earth my problem was, are much the same. I have my own book to write, but went hunting for yours after reading most of these blogs. Thank you for your intelligence, your humour, your wisdom and the strength to walk through this and share it with others. I will most eagerly be watching for your book and very much want to read more. Again-thank you for shining a light in dark places.

  2. Do you have a plan for pre-ordering your new book?

  3. Your work is perfect! Thank you!

  4. Brilliant. As a 55 yr woman, it was the hold on my psyche by the mother, a religious narcissist, that was released the day she died, suddenly to me, but my 7 siblings, all their families, two of my three adult children and my then fiance of 9 yrs knew for a year of her terminal cancer. Four sibs physically assaulted me later same day, and I was able to wake up. It’s now 1.5 yrs, my son and I have moved 30 miles away, NC with 100% including adult daughter, who is just like my mother. And my heart broken, she now has two baby girls and this is all keeping under the wire and continuing. I am the IDENTIFIED PATIENT, and only my son sees the lifetime of almost invisible abuse I endered. I am healing my person, restructuring my brain in love so my internal Being can finally find peace.

  5. Where can we get your book? As I’m reading all your information, it’s quite amazing…and overwhelming! So glad to have it though, maybe I can make progress. Thanks so much for sharing!

  6. What are the resources for dealing with attachment trauma? I have the preoccupied variety, and am feeling numb, and under-stimulated, emotionally. What can be done? Neurofeedback? EMDR? I want to feel passion again– I haven’t felt it in years.

  7. Hi, Kathy. I’ve read your site off and on for over a year now. I’ve had an addiction since I was 4 years old or so. I’m 34 now. I gave up the addiction last year. I’ve been doing Somatic Experiencing since May and it has helped immensely. But now I have a Neurofeedback session next Friday. I’m excited and scared too. I literally live dissociated. Always have. Just didn’t know it. I have three children and one on the way, yet I’m terrified of my children. I pray that these sessions help with the dissociation and fear centers in my brain while the somatic experiencing helps discharge the bodily trauma. God bless you, Kathy

  8. I just found this on August 24, realized it pertained to me and commented on it that day. To my shock and amazement, as I was talking to my therapist on the 30th, she brought up the subject and told me we were going to talk about it in our next session in two weeks! I was astonished that she knew about this just as I had learned about this for the first time the week before she brought it up! Am so happy to already be seeing someone who is familiar with treating this!!

  9. Click for key update: Neurofeedback Works – Van der Kolk. Trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk, MD posted a webinar 8-9-16 which changes the map. He says Sebern Fisher introduced him to neurofeedback. “She showed me drawings that traumatized kids did (stick figures), how they developed after 20 weeks of neurofeedback (real people), after 40 weeks (an attached group). I was blown away,” he says. “Nothing I know of can do that.”

  10. I relate to your struggle with reading about disorganized attachment. I discovered Dan Siegel’s work while I was struggling with grief after my husband died and my childhood attachment stuff spilled out. I realized that what is known about the brain and nervous system now is not what I learned in college 20 years ago. I’ve found a therapist who understands developmental trauma and does body work. Reading helps me know if I’m on the right track, but the body work is what heals. Reading also lets me know my physiological response (shaking, etc) is my biology working- this eases fear while I feel the pain. This is new and much of it isn’t fully accepted yet in the the therapy world. One plus of poor attachment is that tend to dismiss authority that doesn’t seem to match what I know from experience. So I moved on from a number of attempts to receive help when I realized the person just didn’t understand what I needed. Blessings on your journey. It is hard…

  11. You have opened my eyes!!I do have PTSD, but from early childhood I was emotionally neglected,which lead to constant fight or flight whenever I went to school.My anorexia was ignored & I learned to self sooth to survive.I’ve had clinical depression since 16, panic attacks & anorexia since 5, when my Nana died.I’ve been fighting to survive all my life & at 65, still am.I was not a good mother.I began looking outside my family for comfort.I was scared of men at the same time putting them on a pedestal, which never ended well.I was used & abused by them which has caused PTSD. My son had a near drowning at 2 caused indirectly by his father. I divorced him after 23 yrs. & have been living alone for 20 yrs.It’s the only way I feel safe.My relationship with my 2 children has been greatly flawed by my childhood, or should I say lack of knowledge about mothering.

  12. I’ve just learned I have adult ADD. 6 months ago I was practicing self-hypnosis as taught me by my therapist and in the middle of trance I sit up and say, “I need to get into the cold plunge!” I’d been using cold plunge at my spa to reduce wrist inflammation. But I’d never been able to immerse my whole body more than 30 seconds. I got into the water with forceful breath of fire the first 20 seconds, then a deep sigh and relaxed into the shock. “I’m totally in a trance!” I thought, and restfully and blissfully stayed in 30 minutes! It was so invigorating I’ve been ice bathing twice a week for 6 months. I felt enormous well being during and afterward. A ton of my research shows cold shock ignites the brain to produce norepinephrine and dopamine. Now I’m healthy enough to handle the news about ADD and attachment disorder, though it is still a shock. This led me to Dr. Gabor Mate and now your site! I’m glad to check into to Polyvagel theory, Levine’s Somatic experiencing and hopefully your book Don’t Try this at home.

  13. It’s been two weeks since reading your book and your resources recommended and I thank you for consolidating all this information. You have gone through living hell transforming yourself and healing, and reading your story presented enough to overwhelm at times…I can’t imagine how hard it was to acknowledge your issues, then have the courage to heal.
    I want to know how I can help someone I love, how to approach her with this information. At 58 a divorced Dad with two adopted sons, I seem to be attracted to partners with adult attachment disorder. A few months ago I was dumped by my girlfriend of six years. I believed she was the love of my life, but always knew something was amiss. I had been yo-yo’d six years, distanced and pulled in time and again, and now having read your story and sites on RAD, learned I was in love with a woman with severe RAD. She was adopted but lived in an orphanage before a new home. Her adopted brother was bi-polar and the severe trauma she experienced after birth was compounded her entire childhood.
    Fast forward to her adult life, she married a narcissist sociopath very young, had a child, and divorced. Lived through and was shocked at her Dad’s suicide. She senses intellectually something is wrong, has severe inadequacy and anxiety, and on some level would battle this if she knew where to start. How can I get her to see, read, absorb that she may suffer adult detachment disorder, and if she wants inner peace, listen to what you were able to confront?
    The most significant part of your story is how you’ve grown as a person since working on your healing the past. That is inspiring and hopeful. Thank you! Neil

    • The only thing you can do for this poor lady and for yourself, is send her this short email:
      Quote: “I’ve discovered that both you and I have a bad case of attachment disorder from our infancy. I urge you to read the evidence here, and get serious help as this author has done: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/the-silent-epidemic-of-attachment-disorder/
      I’m going to get serious help, and so I will not be in contact anymore, because we’ll be destructive for each other until we both undergo serious long-term healing.” Unquote.
      The only way you can save your own sanity is to cancel this poor lady out of your life completely. That’s also the only way you can demonstrate to her how serious your situations both are.

  14. Where can I go for help? After twenty years of seeing psychiatric professionals in Canada and the US, I was diagnosed and medicated for ADHD-C in 2003. In 2014 a forensic psychiatrist in Vancouver diagnosed me as suffering from Reactive Attachment Disorder and Developmental Trauma Disorder, or Complex PTSD Type 2. I live in Henderson, Nevada; I have a psychiatrist and a psychologist, but neither are trauma specialists. So I am still suffering while desperately seeking appropriate treatment. Can you advise me?

  15. Your story resonates very deeply with me. I’ve had a boatload of trauma as a child and for years coped by being disassociated. Like you, I “accidentally” removed this protective layer in 2014 due to couples therapy, but since have had an excruciatingly hard time.
    I can’t find literature or resources for adults with disorganized attachment who are working an intimate relationship–so frustrating. I see only reports that disorganized adults are in jail or addicts and can’t be stable enough for a relationship. I don’t fit that mold; I’m extremely successful in my career, extremely attuned and empathetic and have stable relationships, including with my husband. This is due to working my butt off in therapy over years and also being super-high-functioning and smart. My questions:
    * How do I “fight” through conflicting messages of “he’s unsafe” and “he can support me,” to connect to my husband after a fight? He’s not abusive but can say hurtful things like us all. I want to run or hide; getting close seems impossible.
    * Is there a couples therapy model for disorganized attachment? We have a PACT couples therapist who says PACT originated from that, but their books don’t cover it nor do other models. PACT says it’s “too complicated” for books, no help to me.
    * I also have an individual therapist, the 5th in a year, after interviewing 20 or 30. Getting past the other 4 was awful; I got fired a couple times (they lacked the capacity to give the support I needed). My current individual therapist is OK but I’m scared he’s going to dump me, too. How do I heal the new traumas caused by this bumpy ride, so I can grow with my new therapist?
    Thank you all in advance, I’m trying to get a “road map” of what to expect and also find hope that I can heal myself and have a secure functioning relationship with my husband without being disassociated. I will definitely get your book when it comes out, so glad you created this website! – Donna

    • It will take my whole book to address the profound, serious issues you raise. Some ideas:
      –Be kind to yourself and ask your husband’s patience: 2014 is yesterday! It’s taken me 5 years since I could suddenly feel my trauma, to function better. My fabulous attachment-based therapist says I should have taken 10 years; I went too fast.
      –In 8-2014 I posted a detailed study on Dr. Mary Main’s discovery of disorganized attachment. There were no books, not even a decent description of Mary Main, so I spent 6 months to write one. I hope there’s a book on disorganized by now! My study: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/adult-attachment-interview-aai-mary-main/
      –UCLA’s Dr.Daniel J. Siegel MD, psychiatrist & author, is Dr. Main’s key spokesman. He works closely with PACT founder Stan Tatkin, Dr. Allan Schore, and Dr. Bruce Perry, MD. I’ve met them all, I adore them; they are committed to healing and they’ve had the courage to go deep into their own trauma.
      They have an annual conference “UCLA Extension and Lifespan Learning Institute Present: the Annual Interpersonal Neurobiology Conference,” next is March 4-6, 2016
      –A therapist told me their conference last year March 6-8, 2015 (or presentations they gave later), addressed disorganized attachment at great length to wild controversy from their audience of therapists. Please go to Siegel’s conference website, see all the videos, then phone and ask to get all their resources on disorganized: http://lifespanlearn.org/
      –Forgive me but being high-functioning and smart is not good for us; it’s part of our disease. We didn’t get right brain emotional development as infants/kids, so our left brains try to do life with cognition. But life doesn’t work that way. We are mammals who work primarily by attachment which is emotion!
      Please absorb Dr. Allan Schore’s incredible 2014 Oslo talk on this: (real meat starts at minute 8) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW-S4cyEFCc
      As to your questions:
      1. You have to keep fighting. If he’s actually a safe man, (something only you and your therapists must analyze) then your job is to let him in, all the way. Period.
      2. If PACT doesn’t have couples therapy model for disorganized attachment, I can’t think who would. Please call Stan Tatkin’s office directly about this, he has great assistants.
      3. If a therapist scares you or makes you think you are the problem, fire ’em and keep looking! You are NOT the problem; it’s a therapist’s JOB to give you love no matter what. My beloved attachment-based therapist would never do that. Folks like us need therapists who themselves had deep trauma, had the guts to dive into it and heal it. There aren’t many. My locator page: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/attachment-therapists-directory/

    • I recommend Imago therapy. My husband and I did this and found it helpful to understand why we did what we did and how it made the other feel. We had been through terrible struggles with his PTSD dumping his stuff on me. Empathy from the Imago dialogue brings the other person to become the safe other that is so important in therapeutic healing.
      Getting the Love You Want (or Keeping the Love You Find?) by Harville Hendrix explains why people often connect with people who recreate early traumatic relationships. You can’t open to someone until you feel safe and Imago helps to build that safety where opening is a natural flowering.

    • I found Sue Johnson’s book, Hold Me Tight helpful. It is based on attachment theory, Bowlby’s research as well as Sue Johnson’s. The therapy is called Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT. The EFT acronym can be a bit confusing because there is also another type of therapy used for trauma called EFT. This EFT is therapy intended for couples and therapists are trained in the theory and technique.

  16. I just wonder when your book is available to buy ?

  17. Attachment disorder is being unbonded with the parent. If a child does not bond with a caregiver by 8 they are lost emotionally. I fear I might be one. I’ve managed to pretend my way as an adult. Only able to mimic the emotions I think I should be feeling as I try to connect with others. For those who might be unbonded is there hope?

    • Yes, lots of hope. I can tell you how I healed:
      1. I got educated about attachment: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/adult-attachment-interview-aai-mary-main/ Also Dr. Allan Schore’s 9-28-14 speech “The Most Important Years… the right brain and its importance,” on neuroscience of in utero and neonatal attachment (meat starts minute 8): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW-S4cyEFCc
      2. I found a good attachment-based therapist I can meet eye to eye weekly. What was damaged by a human attachment connection can only be healed by a new human attachment connection. My therapist locator page: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/attachment-therapists-directory/
      3. With my therapist, I did a ton of body work aka “Somatic Experiencing” per Dr. Peter A. Levine. I used his book “Healing Trauma” http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/featured-topics/healing-body-work/ I still say: “Don’t Try This at Home.” Do it with a therapist.
      What if we are truly broke? Try the county womens’ and mens’ therapy groups, Al Anon and the Groups on my Support Group list: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/find-a-support-group/ The real answer is still human attachment – face time – eye-to-eye contact. Dr. Levine’s book says his book can be used with a supportive friend watching.
      If you’ve got a good therapist and want more healing–not instead of mammals but in addition– we can now add Neurofeedback: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/neurofeedback/
      See also: Healing Tools for Trauma: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/tools/
      Resources: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/

    • I’ve practiced hypnotherapy since 1985, after my mother’s suicide while I was in the military. I developed severe depression and PTSD, and used hypnotherapy to heal, especially from nightmares destroying my sleep.
      “Hypnosis is a naturally occurring state of consciousness in which the reasoning, evaluating, judging part of the mind is bypassed,” HynosisOnline.com says. “Have you ever sat on a bus and day dreamed your way through the traffic? ‘I was in a trance,’ you say.
      Hypnotherapy creates a “Zen” mind state trance. We are enabled to relax and bypass all the busy “head talk” of calculating and cogitating, so our emotions can come up from where we can’t feel them, to be felt and healed.
      Most psychological damage occurs while transitioning to sleep feeling despair. We practice transition into sleep with joy and optimism. This restructures our emotional system to feel that today and tomorrow hold positive outcomes.
      Once these positive emotions are established, we’re strong enough to bring up emotions for emotional restructure. This is not thinking or “education for good behavior”.
      With these tools, we are able to walk through the past events which were extremely fearful and restructure what we were afraid to confront. The process is not languaged; we are embedding positive emotional rehearsal and training.
      We use Abreaction, Desensitization and Emotional Reframing. Abreaction is to be able to feel the emotions of a past trauma without suppressing, so we can let feelings wash through us and discharge from our system. This way we desensitize to the trauma. Then we reframe, replace the old emotion with new, ie fear is replaced by joy.
      We have seen an emotional reframe healing of a single traumatic memory occur in 4-6 minutes. This suggests for multiple traumas that many reframes could occur in a short time, perhaps 5 or more in an hour.
      “If you were to speak to a child with joy, how would that feel in the Zen mind? Now hug that child with love.”
      This is an example of that practice. This not only breaks the old fixation on the trauma; it creates a Safe Feeling, so you can project this emotional assignment into other past traumatic events and also forward into event planning.
      Traumatic fixations can be reduced by 50% in 30 days with 5-12 hours of this process. Here a Vietnam Veteran relates his therapy success: https://vimeo.com/67768311

      • I’m sorry for your loss; you lost Mom as an adult. I’d like to hear about your infancy and childhood? People with a safe loving childhood can during infancy develop a brain strong enough to heal major incident trauma later as an adult. But many of my readers, like me, had developmental trauma (attachment trauma) as infants or children which damaged our brains in brain development.
        Many therapies which can heal incident trauma sustained in adulthood, can not heal developmental or child trauma. Please study this concept when dealing with wounded warriors. Some 50% of Americans have some form of childhood and developmental trauma, that’s the whole point of the ACE Study. A high percent of wounded warriors do as well. You may not be able to treat them the same way that you can treat the other 50% who had a safe childhood.

  18. I’ve finally stumbled upon a site, yours, that might help me. I have both developmental trauma and incident trauma. I don’t think my mom wanted to be pregnant, so I carried their shame for years. Now my marriage of 28 years is ending in divorce. I feel lost, shattered, and empty. I think the root of my issues is attachment trauma. I’m a recovering sex addict. I’m also a covert narcissist and might have borderline personality disorder. I’ve been through 10 therapists and as many medications. I’d like to know what’s it’s like to connect emotionally with myself and safe others. I’m detached from my emotions. I experienced a major trauma when I turned 2. I was very dehydrated and was rushed to the hospital. I had my ankles cut to find a vein where they could stick the IV. I remember some physical abuse from my father, was an alcoholic. I have unresolved or repressed pain and grief from my childhood that I’m too afraid to allow to surface. I wonder how EMDR can access pre-verbal or pre-cognitive trauma states? The EMDR intensives sound tempting but I would only go if I knew they would work.

    • I was moved by your comment on my blog “Plowing Emotions Under” where you wrote: “I know deep down that I’d like to cry uncontrollably with deep body sobs over the losses of my childhood. I would be so grateful just to have that experience and even feel the body pain. Just don’t know how to get there.” Yes, that is what we all need to heal from deep trauma. But from both your comments, it seems the therapists you got, didn’t have the right skills to meet your needs. I fear EMDR might also not go deep enough. Perhaps a real attachment-based therapist and neurofeedback technology, would be better. Please check out my Find an Attachment-based Psychotherapist page: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/attachment-therapists-directory/ and my blog on Neurofeedback: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/neurofeedback/

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  20. Hi Kathy, thanks for your courage and straightforwardness, I too, am recovering from attachment trauma; our moms sound similar! Also my husband and I are raising an 8 yr. old adopted boy who has trauma. I found someone to do grief therapy with, a therapist who’s very compassionate. It seemed for the longest time I could not cry, and now can–some. I found Levine’s trauma course online, but live in rural Miss. so finding a therapist would be a miracle (I looked—none). Do you think this work can be done after the grief work? And if so, can the somatic work be done alone? What I don’t comprehend is that you did grief work when it seems Levine’s method using the bodies ” memory” would have touched on the same things? Also, you say, you regressed yourself, but seem like you used therapy and Levine’s work, etc., could you please clarify the statement that you regressed yourself? Raising a child with these issues while trying to do my own work is a true task.

    • Please see the very beginning of my book http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/the-silent-epidemic-of-attachment-disorder/ and What I Did to Heal at http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/featured-topics/healing-body-work/
      Everything that happened to me was an accident. I accidentally got the Grief Recovery Handbook first, and worked on it 3 years 2009, 2010, 2011. But I massively overdid it in a “crash course,” and accidentally removed 50 years of adult denial “crust” that was hiding the baby pain inside. So that was what regressed me back to infancy. That was before I ever walked into my good therapist’s office in mid-2011 and well before I ever heard of Peter Levine in 2012. Yes Levine’s somatic body memory work touches on the same baby pain. But like I said, I accidentally regressed myself. Now, my therapist and I do NOT recommend anyone else stumble into such a crash course. I did “try this at home” on myself and it was very dangerous. That’s why my book title is “DON’T try this at home.” Please check my Find a Therapist page: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/attachment-therapists-directory/
      If you try really hard and still can’t find a pro nearby, Levine’s book says you could try it with your husband or a close friend in the room and ready to support you no matter what happens, and you might find your body goes through a lot of contortions, so they’d have to be prepared.

  21. You are not alone in your journey to heal developmental, attachment or relational trauma. It’s also my journey for 30 years with my husband. We write about our individual and couple journeys on weinholds.org, and share the books and resources we’ve created through our own healing. Barry & I are also licensed mental health professionals who converted our relationship into a “healing laboratory.” Our books help people recognize and take charge of healing their developmental trauma. Please see http://coprofdevcenter.org/our-approach-to-healing-developmental-trauma/
    We’ve just released an online course, “Freaked Out 101,” that helps people recognize and heal relational trauma. Thank you Kathy, for all that you are doing to relieve the suffering caused by attachment trauma! Janae B. Weinhold, PhD LPC, Colorado Springs, CO

  22. My book will take til next year. But there’s already much of my “bottom line” here on my website. Adopted kids need a good attachment-based therapist; here’s how to find one: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/attachment-therapists-directory/
    See also on my website:–Featured Topics: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/featured-topics/
    –Resources: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/
    –Healing Tools for Trauma: http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/tools/

  23. How do I order your book, “Don’t Try This At Home?” We adopted a 19-year-old boy last year. We’ve had him 3.5 years and he struggles mightily, which in turn means our entire family does.

  24. As you noted my website focuses on damaged adults like me, and how we heal ourselves. The best thing your daughter can do is decide she needs to heal. For what parents should do, please see resources at Attachment and Trauma Network. ATN (also has a great Facebook page) is for parents of adopted kids — but their “Therapeutic Parenting” resources should be helpful for any parent of a traumatized child: http://www.attachmenttraumanetwork.com/therapeuticparenting.html

  25. You’re right. We found some good EMDR resources from those you listed. Was helpful. She participated with helpful results a while, then stopped. I want her to resume for her good and for family… But it’s true, she has to choose. Stopping mid stream seems to have done harm, making her tolerance around me more thin than ever. We believe root cause may be infant illness and one emergency incident as toddler. Followed by other issues stemming from same root. This is rough. Any reading you can recommend is welcome. It is hard to find good resources that coach me in how to support.

  26. If your daughter was adopted, or incubated at birth, or had infant surgeries, or you were forced to leave her in day care as an infant, or many other reasons, she may have attachment trauma. As an adult, tho’, she’ll need to stand up for herself and find her healing. If you try to do it for her, that may complicate things.

  27. Thank you. I am trying to help my adult daughter. I have not found much about attachment trauma for adults to help me. Just kids. Your story is VERY helpful. Gives me more understanding.

  28. Hi Kathy, Where I can purchase your book?

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  30. Joseph Maizlish, M.A., M.F.T.

    Your exploration as an adult of the ordeal you experienced in childhood has compressed the intensity into a relatively short time–an exhausting, trying, and liberating pace. Do you suppose you also experienced our culture‘s attachment disorder? Reading your book installment of the hardest thing you have ever done (other than survive the original ordeal), I think not only is such daring what makes for progress — it is the only thing which makes for progress!

  31. I’m very moved by how you felt when you found out about Adult Attachment Disorder and very grateful. This is exactly why I’ve written all this: so that others who grew up like me can see finally that no, it was definitely not our fault. Then we can heal. The best tribute to Robin Williams is the scene “It’s Not Your Fault” in “Good Will Hunting.” The first time I saw this 4-minute video I cried for hours. Dear Nancy: “It’s Not Your Fault”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYa6gbDcx18

  32. Thank you for this inspiring and critical work. Your courage and generosity to share your life is a tremendous gift. I have known for a long time something was terribly wrong, but only recently learned what the name of all of this is. It has been a huge relief to know it wasn’t my fault and stop blaming myself for feeling broken.

  33. I am the mother of a thirteen year old girl who has battled depression for two years. Recently she has become suicidal. I was diagnosed with cancer when she was one and completely unavailable emotionally her second year of life. I’m wondering if you know anyone that is working on attachment issues in or around Minneapolis or St. Paul Minnesota? thanks, Caty Royce

  34. Pingback: Developmental Trauma: What you Can’t See CAN Hurt You | "Don't Try This at Home"

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